On the outskirts of the little village of Thatdidntendwell, close to the Vicarage and the local pub a strange noise could be heard.


“Where is that strange noise coming from?” Asked little Joey.

“I don’t know.” Said little Sarah, little Joey’s friend.


“I think it’s coming from Old Will’s garden.” Piped up Jeremy Lines, who knew everything. Yeuk, yeuk, yeuk!

“What is it then?” Asked little Sarah, hands on hips whilst giving Jeremy the stare of death.


“I don’t know either.” Said Jeremy. “It could be one of those Koala bears doing what Daddy does when Mummy isn’t at home.”

“Jeremy’s Dad’s a wanker, Jeremy’s Dad’s a wanker..” Chanted little Joey.

Just then Rufus walked up to join them.

“I like your song Joey, will you teach it to me?”

“Of course Rufus. “Jeremy’s Dad’s a wanker, Jeremy’s Dad’s a wanker..”


“I know what that is.” Said Rufus. (Rufus was a clever little bastard, he could even count to twelve).

“What is it then?” The other three all asked at once.

“Its a Lesser Spotted Woodencock and I think it’s in that illegal immigrant Eucalyptus tree in Old Will’s garden.”


“Ooh, I think you’re right.” Said Sarah. “Let’s go and have a closer look.”

“I’m not going over there.” Said Joey. “My Mum says that Old Will is a baritone.”

“What’s a baritone?” Asked Jeremy.

“One of those old blokes what walks around in a wig my Mum says.” Said Joey.

“Well, I’m not scared.” Said Sarah.

“Me neither.” Said Jeremy.

All three children crept up to the garden fence and slowly lifted their heads so that they could see the Eucalyptus tree.


The three little children shit themselves and ran back down the lane, past the Vicarage and into the village square.

“That’ll teach the little fuckers to trespass on my property.” Said Will.


“And you can fuck off as well you noisy little fucker!”