The Woodencocks Autumn Romance

September and the little village of Thatdidntendwell was bathed in early Autumnal sunshine. It was another Saturday and the village was teeming with shoppers and sightseers.  Above the cacophony of sound emanating from the crowd of consumers and Country Life readers one could hear the persistent thrum of a well-used strimmer and the loud voice of someone demanding to be let out and insisting on a better deal. In the village square Ernie Croop, the owner of that voice and who owned the village bakery was manning his homemade stall. Resplendent in a purple shirt, purple suit with a multi-colored tie adorning his neck. On his suit jacket, he sported a large rosette which proclaimed him to be a member of PIKU. Poor old Ernie had a problem, he was dyslexic and had spelled UKIP backward leaving people to believe that he was an animal rights activist bemoaning the fate of disenfranchised penguins. The only person to point out the error to Ernie was Dick Head, the present Village Idiot. Unsurprisingly Ernie took no notice of Dick and told him to fuck off.

If that were not bad enough the banner, which he had slaved over into the early hours, read. “PIKU LURES KO! A VETO FOR RENIE IS A VETO FOR LEIF!”

Willy Willy, who was strimming the grass verge couldn’t take it any longer. He was fed up of people walking by the stall sniggering.

“Ernie, mate, you know that you’ve made a right bollocks of the spelling on your banner, don’t you?”

‘Course I do you daft bugger.” Replied Ernie. “I ain’t a sandwich sort on a picnic like that Dick Head. I knows I got dyslexia and I use it to my advantage see. I gets more people coming up to talk to me cos o’ that spelling and it gives me the chance to educate em about my politics.’

‘You crafty bastard, Ernie!” Exclaimed Willy, Willy before picking up his trusty strimmer once again.


Down at the Snot and Bogey, Dave England was in earnest conversation with Fred, the proprietor.

“What’s these rumours I bin hearing about old Willy, Willy and his big cock then Fred?” He asked.

‘What rumours would they be then?” Replied Fred, nonchalantly.

“Do fuck off Fred, you know damn well what rumours I’m on about.”

‘Enlighten me, Dave.” Said Fred.

‘Well, I ‘ave it on good authority that he’s bin showing his cock off to some strange woman who he met online.” Whispered Dave.

“Well, I did hear from old lady Twingle that Willy, Willy has stopped trimming her bush, she reckons he got too familiar with her Bladderwrack.”

“You don’t say.’ Said Dave.

‘There’s more.” Said Fred. ” The missus was walking through the village last week when the bus from town pulled up and this strange brunette woman got off and asked her directions for the church.”

‘What did Gwen say?” Asked Dave.

“See that building at the end of the street with a wall around it and a big fuck off spire? That’s the church!”

“Never one for mincing her words, your Gwen is she Fred?”

“You can say that again mate, same again? Anyway,  as I was saying, old Willy, Willy was up at the church strimming, Gwen says she could hear him as soon as she got onto the street. She hates strimmers does our Gwen.” Said Fred.

“What about the brunette?” Asked an ever impatient Dave.

“Well, there’s the thing. Gwen says she watched the woman walk up to the church and instead of going in she legged it around the back and that’s when Willy, Willy’s strimmer stopped. Gwen says the silence was quite sudden, she reckoned that at that moment she could have heard an astronaut fart.”

“Did she?” Asked Dave.

“Did she what?” Asked Fred.

“Hear a fucking astronaut fart.”

“For fuck sake, Dave, do you want to hear the story or not?”

“Where was I, oh yes, not being one to pry but for reasons purely based on Willy, Willy’s safety, Gwen felt it incumbent on her to go up to the church to make sure that he was alright. Well, you know how hard it is to shock our Gwen, don’t you Dave?”

“I do that, mate.” He replied.

“She gets around the side of the church and she hears Willy, Willy saying very loudly, ‘pull it harder Tracy, pull it like you mean it!’ Well, Gwen had to come away.”

“Pull it like you mean it!’ Bloody Hell Fred, I wonder what else they teach him up at Strimmers World?” Said an intrigued Dave.

“I dunno.” Replied Fred. “But Gwen says that they was round the back for a good half an hour before his strimmer started up again. Then it stopped as soon as it had started and they both walked out onto the Main Street. Gwen says the brunette looked like she’d bin worked into a frenzy.”

“So, the rumours about Willy. Willy must be true then, Fred.” Said a bemused Dave.

“That ain’t the end of it mate. Gwen heard Willy, Willy say to the woman, ‘come on Tracy, I’ll show you my gable end and then we can play with my prize cock!”

“Jesus!” Exclaimed Dave.

“You can say that again” Said Fred.

“I wonder who this Tracy is then?’ Asked Dave.

“Dunno mate but you can bet she ain’t no roofer.” Replied Fred before laughing out loud at his own joke.