FIG JAM


The Aussie twang cut through the staid atmosphere of the Carlton Club like a fork through a snag at a drover’s barbie.

“Trouble with you Poms is yers don’t know how to go in for the kill anymore! Boris was the same with that prat Livingstone. Called him a good egg. Stone the flaming crows! Good egg!”
The room stirred, newspapers twitched and heads turned in the direction of the speaker. They were met with a Satanic stare.
“As I was saying, Boris soon got the message, soon saw the bloody light and not before bloody time. There’s a message in that for you Davy boy. You bloody toffs think you know it all but if you did you wouldn’t have to hire blokes like me to get you out of the shit, would you? Fig jam, that’s me Davy boy. Fig jam.”
“Fig jam?” Enquired Dave.
“Fuck I’m Good, Just Ask Me! You dopey galah.” Replied the Aussie.
“Keep it down Lynton, you’ll get us thrown out.” Said Davy, sheepishly.
“They won’t throw me out, not when I’m sitting across from the Prime Minister.” He replied belligerently
“Strewth! Dethey serve any amber nectar in here? My throats as dry as a nun’s nasty!”
“I won’t ask you again Lynton, keep it down!” Said Dave, testily. “Just remember who it is who is employing you!”
“And, like I said before, don’t you forget why!” Replied the Aussie. “My lads have been flat out like a lizard drinking trying to get dirt on that bludger Farage. Most of his crowd have got kangaroos loose in the top paddock so it isn’t that difficult to get something on them. You should be more worried about ‘The Twerp’, and David Axelrod.”
“Why?” Asked Dave. “Axelrod is still in the States and The Twerp hasn’t got off the ground yet!”
“Yesee, this is why you need me, ya big galah! Axelrod is a clever bloke, strewth he’s as cunning as a dunny rat. Take it from me Davy, ignore The Twerp and Axelrod at your peril.”
“What should we be looking for then, what do you think Axelrod will do to undermine us?” Asked Dave, suddenly perking up.
“He will do what Farage is doing, appeal to the people.”
“What good will that do?” Asked Dave. “The people are ignorant of current issues and that’s the way it should be! Why would he want to spoil a good thing?”
“Because, you chinless twat, that is how he got a relatively unknown black Senator into the Whitehouse! Not only did he talk to the people he talked to the local Parties and persuaded them that his way was the best way. They, in turn, passed the message on to their constituents and the rest is history.”
“Labour have more boots on the ground than you and that means more mouths with which to pass messages on. Trust me, Axelrod has already set the ball rolling and we are going to use recent history as our fist line of defence while we gather info and get more ammo to use against the lefties.”
“So, what do you want me and the team to do?” Asked Dave.
“Nothing! Just leave it to me and my lads. I will tell you when to do something.” Replied Crosby. “Now, whose shout is it?”

Two hours later a shaken Deluded Dave returned to the Cabinet Office to brief his underlings.
“How did it go with Lynton?” Asked George.
“I know he’s good but I’ll never get used to that man, he’s so crass.” Replied Dave.
“I cud get used to im real quick like.” Said Wee Willy Hague. “He’s a real man’s man by eck.”
“Come on guys.” Pleaded Dave. “This is serious stuff, in 2005 he did a fantastic job for us. Gaining seats that we thought were impossible. Don’t forget, he’s done Boris proud.”
“Don’t forget we lost!” Exclaimed George.
“Yes but we won in 2010.” Replied an agitated Deluded Dave.
“That’s because I ran the campaign!” Exclaimed George.
“By eck it wer close tha nose.” Chipped in Wee Willy Hague.
“That’s only because Dave couldn’t resist taking on The Deranged Scot and Neutered Nick in a televised debate. I told you not to indulge the two idiots but no, you had to go your own way, as usual!” Complained George.
“Everybody wanted a debate between the three Party leaders, you know that. Anyway, I felt that I was left with little choice.”
“You were left with egg on your face, that’s what you were left with!” Replied George, angrily. “The trouble is, you’ve set a precedent now and there is no getting away from these debates. After the mauling that Farage gave to Clegg his popularity rose astronomically and I can’t see you doing any better.”
“I won’t be going head-to-head with him George, I’m not that stupid!”
“The jury’s still out on that one!” Whispered Owen Patterson.
“No, Clegg and the Twerp, Miliband will act as buffers. To completely out fox him I’ve invited the Greens along.”
“What as, one of your five a day?” Said Fatty Pickles.
“Come on chaps, be serious. Lynton said that we are to leave everything to him and his team and he will get us the majority that we all want.”
“Did he give you a cast-iron guarantee on that Dave?” Asked Theresa May.

⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓ ⎓

The above is written tongue-in-cheek but, the message from Labour and Conservative Head Offices is clear. They both want to destroy the democratic process in this country. This is why proportional representation was a non-starter. It is also the reason why both Parties, through various nefarious organisations, are trying to discredit UKIP.
Plausible deniability and negative politics is the name of the game. At the moment UKIP is still riding high despite this. However, I would suggest that they are only building up for a big push next winter and into spring.

I would like to controversially suggest that the EU elections, while important, are not a top priority for the Tories or Labour, despite their argument to the contrary. Both Parties and, the LibDems, operate under the illusion that they know best. They do not want to consult with the public because to do so might upset the apple cart. UK MEPs make up less than 10% of the 751 MEPs who inhabit the European Parliament. This is why I say that they do not take the coming elections seriously because the LibDems, Labour and the Conservatives all want to fully integrate into a Federal Europe. There is even a strong suggestion that should the Labour Party win the next UK General Election they will adopt the Euro. My point is, the EU elections on the 22nd of this month are very important to UKIP as a good showing will send a serious, even damaging, message to the mainstream political Parties in this country.
Even though an MEP cannot initiate new legislation or, introduce a new Bill or, repeal an existing Bill or piece of legislation they can influence legislation through the various committees on which they sit and through the press.
More importantly, should UKIP win these coming EU elections in the UK and I see no good reason why they should not, it will damage the Establishment. The whole strategy for future elections will have to be drastically restructured because, for once, the people of the UK will have sent out a strong message to the village of Westminster that enough is enough!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: philbo62

Retired businessman, always looking for inspiration and new ideas. Author of two books, writer of poetry.

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