Once upon a time in a land not so far away lived three, would be, princes, Deluded Dave, Neutered Nick and Ted the Twerp. The foremost of whom was Deluded Dave. Some say that in a bad light he looked like Piers Morgan. Whatever the truth, a pretty scary comparison. Dave had two passions in his life, the European Union and the Simpsons. Imagine his delight when Herman Van Rompuy was elected as first full-time President of the European Council. There before his very eyes was the spitting image of Mr Burns from the Simpsons. Joy of joys.
In fact Dave was so overwhelmed that he stated he would guarantee a referendum in the future if the good people of the land would vote for him above the other two princes to lead them in the future. Secretly though Dave had a plan; in order to impress Herman he would tell the people that he would give them a referendum while at the same time telling them that he would vote for the European Union. This double-speak completely duped the population and allowed Dave to proclaim that he was the only one who could and would give a referendum to the people. Herman was so impressed that he gave Dave a signed photograph of Matt Groening which Dave’s wife Sam; yes I realise that Dave pushed through gay marriage legislation but Sam was actually a real bone fide woman, hung in pride of place in Cameron Towers, their country pile in the country.
Neutered Nick, so-called because his chances of ever holding any real power on his own were slim to pathetic, was a strange bedfellow. Although married to a piece of foreign totty, Nick secretly had a crush on Dave. Like any besotted moron, when his unrequited feelings were not returned he got very nasty.
Out of necessity, Dave had formed an alliance with Nick in order to keep the dastardly ‘Ted the Twerp’ at two sword lengths. Unfortunately for all involved the power went to Nick’s empty head. He started demanding everything and anything from, straight bananas to the compulsory carrying of knives. The people were puzzled, allegedly, even his wife was heard to ask: “Que porra e essa?”
Other than his crush on Dave, Neutered Nick loved everything European. He also loved everything ‘green’, not the colour, the concept. Wind turbines, wave power, solar power, very expensive wood chip imported from across the Atlantic. In fact anything which cost the citizens more money. As you can tell, Nick suffered fools gladly. However he was rubbish at making the right decision, evidenced when he challenged ‘Nasty Nige’, the ‘Peoples Champion’ to a duel.
Nige was having a pint of Badgers Cull in his favourite pub, ‘The Sluts Retreat’ when the challenge reached him. He was faced with a difficult decision, to have another pint or, to accept the challenge. Being made of sterner stuff than Nick, Nige chose both!
Nige generously offered ‘the best of three’ but Nick, being dyscalculic, demurred and they settled on two bouts of verbal sparring. Nick was buzzing when Nige accepted his challenge and the terms set down by his aides. On the day of the first contest he bathed in a nearby river before covering himself in sweet scented rose-water. He picked out one of his best suits, ran a comb through his hair and crammed his brain cell with facts and figures, mostly from fortune cookies. At the appointed hour he stepped into the arena smelling like roses and looking as smug as a cat at a chaffinch convention.
Nige, on the other hand, arrived smelling like a rep from a beer and tobacco festival. After a brief touching of finger-tips the battle commenced.
Nick sallied forth, thrusting fact after fact at Nige.
Nige parried with, “Oh dear, oh dear!”
Nick tried again.
Nick played his trump card by quoting the number of Laws made in his country.
Nige looked to the heavens. “Oh dear, oh dear!”
The audience looked on in amazement as Neutered Nick scrambled for a repost.
“I’m telling the truth!” He yelled at Nige.
“Oh dear, oh dear.”
Back and forth, riposte, rejection, riposte, rejection. Nick started to sweat,
Nige started to laugh.
Nick drowned his nervous thirst in gallons of water, desperately looking for a way out of the mess that he had put himself in. ‘If only Dave were here to save me’ he thought.
Nige was declared the winner and Nick, head bowed, ran out of the arena to an awaiting chariot.
Round two, one week later was an even bigger disaster for Nick. Oh dear, oh dear!
Deluded Dave was not impressed and proceeded to castigate Nick in public. He, in turn, took his anger out on the people. They were not having it and supported Nasty Nige in their thousands as a punishment to Neutered Nick. To make matters worse, “The Fat Man From Oop North” cast his wide shadow over Nick and his followers. Poor Neutered was in denial but to no avail because the dastardly press had some pretty revealing stories to tell. Stories that Nick couldn’t hide from.
Meanwhile, lurking on the sidelines was Ted the Twerp. He believed that he had revolutionary ideas, far removed from the thinking of the other two princes. Sadly, he had the same ideas, just in a different order. His right-hand woman, Harriet the Horrible; the Keeper of the PIE. She loved little children and was much admired in certain circles.
Ted’s sibling Dave, a truculent snob who talked socialism but lived like a millionaire, was cruelly usurped by Ted and ran away to a land far, far away to take up a career as a pilot for International Rescue.
Ted was now free, he had money from the Barons, the support of the people, he was destined for stardom. So euphoric was he at that stage, he changed his name to ‘Ed’ because he thought it more mature. Not that it mattered to the public because they had always referred to him as “Beaker”.
Ted (Ed) had an obvious flaw as a leader: He couldn’t lead! He tried hard but it just wasn’t there. He was, however, good at coming up with crackpot schemes which made the people poorer. When he worked for “Gordon the Deranged” he tried to influence the weather by taxing the way the people used energy. It failed insofar as it didn’t change the weather however, it made people poorer.
He advised Gordon the Deranged on the economy; sadly another failure because he was rubbish at accounting. However, it made the people poorer.
Then, when Deluded Dave took over from Gordon, Ted became his main antagonist ably assisted by Edible Ed and Horrible Harriet. It was a recipe for disaster and it soon came to pass that this trivial trio were destined for disappointment. This didn’t stop Ted from dreaming up ludicrous schemes. It seemed that he had an endless supply of them, they tripped off his tongue like pensioners on a mill-race.
He announced that if the people would make him leader (“Oh dear, oh dear”. Said Nasty Nige) he would nationalise the rail system but then he let himself down by declaring that he would force people to keep fit. Seems like Nasty Nige was right, Oh dear, oh dear!
Deluded Dave didn’t like Ted the Twerp and treated him with contempt.
Nobody liked Neutered Nick!
Whom did the people like? Did they believe in the lies of Deluded Dave or did they believe in the crackpot schemes proposed by Ted the Twerp? Safe to say nobody cared about Neutered Nick.
There could however be a twist in the story. What about Nasty Nige?
Well, that is a story for another day.